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A Leap of Faith

December 13, 2013

Sometimes, I feel trapped. Trapped in this religious society, trapped in the mundane chores of life, in the life of the routine, trapped with people who are trained to believe their holy books are the best and consequently fight with others who believe their holy books are better. I feel like a stranger, a different kind of plant in a sea of white, pure beautiful flowers. I am tired of the phrases “allowed to do” and “not allowed to do” and all variations of it. I have started to hate the phrase even more in light of the recent judgement by the Supreme Court of India criminalizing gay sex. I am not a homosexual nor do I know anyone who is, but when the country’s apex court feels that freedom has to be taken away even at an individual level between consenting adults, what more can be expected from a country like this? I see red whenever someone uses “allowed to do” in any context – “I am allowed by my parents.”, “My job doesn’t allow by to spend time with you” “My religion allows it.” In fact, I see pure undiluted red, especially when someone uses the allowed to in context of something anti-feminist. “My husband does not allow me to wear that..!!” I don’t know whether to slap that female creature across her face for her stupidity or just simply ignore it or be mournful about the situation. There is indignation in me, there is sorrow in me, there is passion in me and there is a desire for freedom in me. And these phrases, that are so commonly used in India, ignite all these emotions and I do not know what to do about it. Gandhi once said “Be the change you want to see.” Well I have become  the change I want to see. But I am no Gandhi and hence except me, no one has become the change I want to see. When I first started “thinking” (which is in itself something different from Indian females), and having opinions not always in conformity with the so-called Indian ethos and morals, I could set aside such opinions involving myself in dealing with studies and office. But, I think now, I have reached a time when the restlessness is getting too big for me to handle. And so I decided to travel somewhere with friends – away from routine. But the monstrous “I am not allowed by my parents” followed. On a different note, my parents have different opinions on many occasions, but I reserve the right to make my mistake & learn or make my right choice and prosper – at least my being develops with each decision I make on my own. And they respect this. Anyway, so rather than being the parent-dis-respecter, I internet surfed about different travel destination – just to get a satisfaction. But I stumbled upon something which made me think – How long am I going to have the thoughts but do nothing about it? How long am I going to be afraid to act on my opinions, if not to speak them out loud? How long am I going to feel trapped in this maze of customs, rituals, narrow-minded thinking, routine etc and do nothing to free myself? I came across a travel blog about someone who lives a nomadic life. Travels from one corner of the world to another. And I saw the following post – http://www.wanderingearl.com/please-dont-be-afraid-to-travel-on-your-own/ . And I want to travel alone too – simple. It is, of course, scarier than it sounds. The idea is cool but to travel somewhere on your own is no joke. But somehow I think that this is what I need. If I am going to follow Gandhi’s advise, I have to be the change, not only in words and thoughts and speech but also in action. I think, this will serve some purpose for me – spiritual and give me a sense of freedom and self-reliance and I will finally break through these shackles I always imagine around me. It will be a big step and I am genuinely afraid – not about things like how will I find food and be safe etc but about the fact that I will be venturing into something different and unknown. I have decided to take the leap of faith before February,my faith being in my gut feeling and the restlessness that has taken massive proportions in me. This leap of faith it seems, will take me to my destination – I simply have to jump….

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